We Now Return To Your Regularly Scheduled Human Being

The vicious cycle of depression isn't that hard to understand. (otherwise called The Downward Spiral, or to those of us who are too familiar with it, just "the spiral") It goes something like this: you have a couple of days during which you don't feel very good and are not thinking very clearly. During those days, you probably do one or two stupid things, like being cranky with your friends or calling in sick to work. Then you feel bad about the bad thing you did, which makes you even more sad. And because you are depressed, you overreact to the bad thing you did, so you try to apologize to your friend, and she probably looks at you like you are a little bit crazy and has no idea what you are talking about, which makes you think... damn, she must REALLY be mad at me to be acting so weird. Which makes you be more needy, and more cranky, and feel worse. And it goes on and on from there. You feel bad, you fuck up, you feel bad for fucking up. Add to that the special treat that, since you are a depressive, you also probably feel bad FOR feeling bad. Which allows that spiral to spin downward very quickly.

And some very perceptive scientific research has identified a consistent symptom of depression which may be the linchpin of the mental part of the disease: the depressive mind can't tell the difference between pain that is temporary and pain that is permanent. It is an inability to distinguish the proportion of things. Sad now means sad forever. Friends being a little bit awkward equals friends hate me.

I fight the downward spiral a lot, and I fight it hard. I am mostly successful. (NOW I am. In years past, it usually got the better of me.) But I am coming clean tonight and admitting that in the past few weeks, I think I have become pretty negative. I've been hazy and awkward and kind of whiny and just... negative. To the point where the people I love have felt awkward being around me. Which causes the spiral to kick in: my friends feel awkward, which makes them act a little awkward, or even (perfectly reasonably) avoid me for a few days, and when I see them doing that, it makes me paranoid and needy and even MORE negative, and a-wash-a-rinse-a-repeat until you have no skin left on your skull.

To me, that is where I draw the line in the sand on depression: when my shit becomes other people's problem. Most of my close friends understand that I can say "hey, I need to go to my room and curl up and be alone with Pearl Jam" and they know I am fine and will be feeling brighter in a few. But when I start behaving in a way where they can no longer tell how much I adore them and am grateful for them, then shit has gone too far. And for the precious and wonderful people who have gotten sprayed by my little raincloud, I truly apologize.

It has gone too far for ME, too. Because that really is not who I am. I may not be someone who is "polite" or "nice" (which, really, who would want that?) but lately I have felt like I am starting to be mean. Just a little, but enough that I want to nip that weed right now. I am not someone who has sympathy for anyone who has a negative attitude about their life, and I damn well sure am not going to tolerate that kind of nonsense from myself. That is not me. I am a warm and happy and loving person. I live for silliness and joy and the big dig for shiny.

So I just want to let people know, I'm coming up out of the cellar. I know it wasn't long, and I am not going to be dramatic and beat myself up about it. (that would be a tricky way to defeat the purpose.) I'm just changing gears, and getting back to basics. Because it is always basics. So, no more Mr. Nice Guy With A Fucking Attitude. Consider the channel changed.

-