Who Is Doc If Doc Is Not Love

I just have to say, friends, that I don’t really know what the nature of this ongoing blog is going to be, if indeed there is an ongoing nature. It is all well and good for me to continue ranting and unraveling about my gritty yet idealized notions of love and romance, but there is only so much of that I can do before I am going around in circles. Plus, you know, sometimes I have a bit of that ol’ fashioned feeling of loneliness. Because however much I may get naughty with language and toy around with words like they are an engorged clitoris, I'm not really joking about this stuff. I mean it. I believe it. I have no idea if I have the singular one-and-only correct appraoch; but I surely do believe that the history of Love as a power struggle is a load of unholy crap, and that we are constantly living under the shadow of that history, and that... well, when it comes to the big hard truth, most of the time we are full of shit.

Most people, though, do not believe that. They believe that love is perfect and beautiful and destined and that whatever you do under its influence, you have no control. More important, that you are not responsible. And even if they do not beleive that, it seems like most people cannot get behind my Big Fat Idea that when it comes to SEX and LOVE, it is ONLY worth it if it makes you greater--- stronger, happier, more empowered--- and not less. And you aren't less responsible in matters of love. You are far, far more responsible.

Or to put it another way: I don't know if I have ever met anyone who feels, as I do, that love itself simply is not a virtue. Love isn't God. It isn't an umbrella to catch and shield. It is just a word that describes a particular combination of ideas. Like Physics. In fact, almost exactly like Physics. Except that math doesn't work on it.

I don't know if it is the big fat TRUUUTH. But it is the honest-to-goddess way that I experience the world.

So it is easy to feel that what I am doing is… well, whatever the opposite of “Preaching To The Choir” is. I guess that would be preaching to the congregation. And much like a congregation in a dark ol church, people may sit and listen, but no one has any intention of making any effort to change their relationship with god.

Writing advice is a bit of an evangelical act. And writing the sex and love blog has turned out to be a lot the same as writing my old personal diary blog was--- all this being public makes me feel a lot more alone. Because normally I can go through the world kind of feeling what I believe and thinking in small general bursts about what I believe. But actually sitting down, thinking it through, writing it out, going into detail… it just makes me so acutely, intensely aware of how much what I believe is nothing like what other people believe. How much what I WANT is different from what other people want. And that isn’t a problem because I an anxious about people reading the blog and disagreeing with it. Of course they will. That doesn’t cause me pain.

What does cause pain is taking a look at everything I feel and want and believe about love and sex and life on the plus-one side of things, and then comparing that to the wants and beliefs of most everyone I have ever met. And realizing that, wow, if the goal is to find someone who shares the same values…. Then I am in a deep, deep valley of distance.

Basically, writing a blog about love makes me all too aware of how unlikely it is that I, personally, will ever find it.

I’m not suggesting anything. I’m just considering that if I am going to keep doing this (which I am) then the subject matter is going to have to be a hell of a lot more broad. Because day after day of focusing (albeit in a roundabout way) on all of the things which will most likely keep me cooking permanent dinners for one, that might be just too much of a weight to carry for a side-project.

So that is me checking in. Ol’ Doc might be going through some re-branding. But never you fear: no matter what I am writing, you can be pretty sure it will include entertainingly judgmental tantrums about how other people should be living their lives. Including, and especially, you.
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