Hello, friends and lovers. I am back again, in my own precious industrial voice (not my vaguely-awake wandering poet voice) to offer the advice that makes your sexy sexy world go round. Yes, I am leaping back into the Blog fray, and I think it is time to make a commitment. If you stick with me, I will stick with you, okay? Check back at least once or twice a week and I will give you new thoughts to get your brain noodling and make your genitals smarter.
The question today is less of the how and more of the who. How do you choose WHO?
We should all be so lucky as to have more than one potential lover knocking on our pants. (or even…*sniff*…our hearts) and sometimes when I even hear the question it makes me angry. Like, who the frak are you to complain about having too much affection and too many hot sweaty bodies to choose from? But in truth I think that we all face this question at least a few times in our lives. (and, secretly, we face it constantly) Which one do I go with? The safe and stable home muffin? The sexy scary orgasm warrior who will probably break you? Or the sensitive smarty who makes you laugh like crazy but maybe doesn’t do it for you in the “oh-I-wish-I-weren’t-so-shallow” physical attraction marathon? There are a thousand different flavors and sometimes it is all a body can do not to grab and handful of dice, throw them in the air, and make a run for it while everyone else is looking down and counting.
This applies equally to choosing a long term partner as it does to choosing a two-night stand* or a sordid end-of-the-season fling. I’m pretty dedicated to the belief that the process for making those choices is the same: the process to choose a fuck, a lover, a partner, a friend, an employer, they all are basically the same. You gotta ask yourself the same questions.
A lot of people devote a lot of thought to this. They weigh the options. They make lists. They talk around and around in circles until everyone (most of all themselves) are sick to death of hearing about it. And then there are just as many who simply stumble forward with Frankenstein-like grace and hope to face-plant into the best bed-mate.
My advice for this is spot-on simple: go for the person who fuckin’ steps up to the plate.
You can spend all the time you want weighing the features and profiles. But relationships never ever some down to what you think about the other person. They don’t even come down to how much you want them. It comes down to what they actually do. What you do to each other.
So that is your answer. You decide what kind of relationship you want, and then you take the person who is offering you that. Right now. Not the person you hope will maybe offer it, or who you think you might be able to convince. And what they offer, it doesn’t have to match up perfectly with your perfect image. But I say, twelve-and-a-half times out of thirteen, you are going to get the biggest payoff if you go for the one who GOES for it. The one who STEPS UP and makes you an offer, front and center, balls and bagels.
If you find yourself wondering a lot “I really dig so-and-so but I don’t know what he wants…” then throw that weight overboard. Anyone worth being with will let you know what they want. Or at the very least, when you show them what YOU want, they will have the guts to take you up on it. Or to turn you down right and proper. It works both ways. If you make a clean firm offer and the person you are talking to waffles and wimbles and wants to think about it--- take your toys and go home. Tell them to give you a call when they have grown a set of reproductive organs.*
That’s all. That’s my whole system. Anyone who is half-assed going into the bedroom is going to be half-assed in the bedroom. And no matter who you are, what you look like, what you THINK your options are… there is ALWAYS, friends, ALWAYS a better use for your time than fucking someone who doesn’t mean business.
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COMING SOON:
Orgasm Theater: Hey, You’re Missing The Best Part!
Making Love More Like Science Fiction (aka The Sonic Screwdriver)
Creepy Toys You Both Can Uneasily Enjoy
*I've decided to start promoting the Two Night Stand as the gold standard for meaningless sex. One night is just not enough risk to be fun.
**Yes, I recommend you use these exact words. It turns people on. Usually.
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